“Whilst what you have discovered may explain many things, some or more of the problems might be masked by your otherwise poor health; being overweight, not exercising and smoking too must be making the whole package quite brutal.”

Yeah, I'm sure my lifestyle isn't helping... that said, I've been a basket case since I was still skinny, and *long* before I started smoking. That said, I'm in no position to change my eating habits, activity level, or anything else until I manage to obtain mental stability (or at least some semblance of such). And that stuff is contributing to my lack of mental stability.

Catch-22.

“What you do to your body is a large portion of your overal health and may very well cause the symptons and appearance of other problems, leading you to a false diagnosis -- with some doctor happy to sell you more meds for that.”

I don't trust doctors anymore. Period. Not after a lifetime of psychiatric "treatment" that has all but destroyed any chance I have of leading a normal life... and the ways in which I have observed (and suffered from) the medical system as a whole in how it handled things.

Besides, by all accounts, akathisia isn't something anyone in the medical field is interested in treating. They'll prescribe junk to deal with the symptoms, sure... but as far as research, or treating the root of the symptoms, not profitable enough I suppose.

Guess all I can do is try taking Vitamin-B6.

“That said, you need inspiration, something to give you a new perspective and help you climb out of the pit you've fallen into.”

Right. I'm finally starting to get my head around a few things... in fact, I... eh, well, maybe this will help me get the ball rolling:

“I'm currently reading The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. It's less mystical and abstract than the other book, and takes a more practical approach. It teaches a form of cognitive behavioral therapy called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). So far it's a great read, but it requires a more proactive approach on behalf of the reader. It may take you out of your comfort zone, but this is a good thing.”

I've been doing a lot of mental exercise lately, dealing with acceptance and commitment (though as I understand them; I will have to look up your ACT therapy to see how close these ideas may be).

Since story-writing has always been a strong passion of mine (the only passion of mine that can closely compete with game development), I've been "dissecting" my personality traits and using fictional characters to play out a story in my head. As goofy as this may sound, I've actually learned a good bit about myself... I've learned to differentiate my strengths from my weakness, as well as my dominant traits from my secondary traits.

Of course, I also found that I could split a personality trait into two separate characters, and by thinking about how they might interact, I'm getting a very vivid picture of exactly *why* I am a certain way, as well as *how* it came to be. In turn, it has helped me piece together certain mysteries I've "hidden" within (and from) myself, and is beginning to lead to a climax (in terms of the story... in the real world, it will be more like one strand of the A-Plot).

The caveat is that focusing on one group of characters leaves certain questions unanswered. Even in the same fictional world, each character will have his or her own denouement -- and, since each character assumes a hyperbolic interpretation of a trait as their "focus" (i.e. the trait that the character symbolizes), focusing on only one or two characters renders an incomplete picture (as would focusing only on protagonists -- some assessment of the antagonists would be required as well).

Either way, it's a hell of an experience, and a good way to let my creative juices flow freely. :)

Yeah, I'm figuring out much of this on my own. Being that every approach ever suggested to me seemed, to some degree, contrived -- I gave up on that stuff, and decided to more or less seclude myself from the outside world. Not completely, of course... just in so much as to be able to concentrate on which direction I need to take in order to reach my destination (and, to a great extent, find out what my destination actually is).

That said, this whole ACT thing sounds much like I've been finding in my inner fumbling.

“According to ACT, suppressing "bad" thoughts and feelings is just as bad as fusing with them. This makes sense to me, I've tried an awful lot of times "not to be angry", to "stop thinking" about something and so on. It's never worked.”

That is one thing I've very recently learned. I don't know whether I fully grasp the concept of fusion/defusion in the context of ACT, but I do know that in order for me to accept something as "true" -- or at least "acceptable" -- I need to do more than simply repeat it, ad nauseum, in some sort of self-induced brainwashing ritual.

Some people justify their actions based on their situation. Someone (or one they love) is starving, and one cannot afford even a loaf of bread -- and justifies the act of stealing a loaf of bread using this premise. One who might not normally even consider stealing something will surely be forced to re-evaluate their issues with the action, whether or not they ultimately decide to do so.

Of course, if in that situation, this person is not actively searching for means to survive without having to steal, that person's development in that respect has come to an end... their life's journey, as it were, has stopped moving them forward. In all likelihood, they will never be anything other than one who must steal food to survive.

While I doubt anyone who lives that way is "OK" with it, many people in a similar situation frequently accept it and just leave it at that.

I was working through my story line and came to a potential conclusion. It seemed like the only logical conclusion, though one with which didn't seem satisfactory (i.e. the kind of ending where people would walk out of the theater demanding refunds :P). So I went back, and developed some of the conversations prior. After learning a few things that way, an alternative direction presented itself. To put it simply, it seemed to be something much more constructive and fulfilling (not to mention practical) than the tale which would have unfolded had I just "left well-enough alone."

“Have you considered writing down the story and developing it, or is it purely a mental exercise?”

As much as I like the idea of sharing this story with others, I do not know if it is a good idea to fashion this particular exercise as such. With the perceived possibility that others might read this, the desire to try and "spice things up", or at times "dumb things down", would be very great... and I don't know if I could resist the temptation, and only manage to muddle the message for both myself and my potential audience.

This is one of the reasons I have been, relatively speaking, "hiding" as of late. I have a strong tendency to remain in transpersonal space. While that is certainly not a bad thing, it comes at a cost -- the inability to effectively function on a personal level.

“I think you're being disingenuous with that last claim.”

I think you're 100% correct.

Here's that thread!

“I think you're 100% correct.”

And you were. I forgot about something important I established long ago -- my one ultimate goal in life: To make people happy.

Video games don't make people happy, do they? Finally figured that out. Video games gave me an escape... but they really just distracted me from finding what it takes to find happiness. I haven't abandoned making video games -- it is simply that, now, I do not feel a burning *need* to make them... they seem more of an option, for personal fulfillment, rather than a mission at which I must succeed.

What makes people happy, then?

Well, I learned that I make people happy. I realized that I've never had a real enemy. Rivals, sure. Competitors, absolutely. But I have never hated a person, nor acted in a sincerely malicious manner toward anyone. Even when I became truly angry at people, I always held back. Instead of completely losing my cool, I managed to retain some small degree of control as I artfully, yet rather shamefully, eviscerated them emotionally. Yet, each time, I did my best to make amends each time after, as I realized just how pointlessly hurtful I had conducted myself.

Of course, we all hurt each other at times. But trouble is what makes a lot of us great. As much trouble as I've had throughout my life, it taught me just how important people are to me. I can't get anywhere if I continue to hide myself. I've already gone out, thrust myself into the world, and am blazing new trails. And it's quite a thrill!

So, keep an eye on me. I'm not sure exactly where life will take me from here, but I am ready to go forward. No more standing still. No more falling backward. Only forward, toward the destiny I've known since my earliest memories -- my destiny is to make people happy. If I can brighten someone's day, that day is a day I meet my destiny.

Here is to achieving my destiny every day from now on, to the day I die. And, hey, maybe even beyond that. :)