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Kierkegaard's Gift

append delete theraje

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/S%C3%B8ren_Kierkegaard

For those unfamiliar with Kierkegaard's work, he was a Christian philosopher of the 1800s, regarded as the father of existentialist philosophy. Most of his philosophy revolved around the intangible concept of the faith of the individual in God.

He was highly critical, even hostile, toward the "Christian establishment". He was a reformation-advocate of what he saw as a politicized, apathetic, state-run church system in Denmark. Kierkegaard was the individualist to the state church's one-size-fits-all type of conformity.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leap_of_faith

One of Kierkegaard's primary topics became known popularly as the concept of the "Leap of Faith". When faced with a decision requiring a leap of faith -- a decision for which there is no empirical method of determining any 'right' or 'wrong' choice -- the individual experiences an "unfocused fear", known as dread, angst, and/or anxiety.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Concept_of_Anxiety

“No Grand Inquisitor has in readiness such terrible tortures as has anxiety.”

~ Soren Kierkegaard, "The Concept of Anxiety"

---

My life has been rife with anxiety for as long as I can remember. It seemed that every decision -- without exception -- that I have ever made, I chose the wrong option. As this continued, my anxiety has exponentiated. I have failed at everything. There's nothing I've done that has yielded positive results.

Faith is a gift from God, according to many. There isn't any faith where God hasn't given it.

Me, I don't have any faith. I've never had it in myself (or if I had, I lost it once I quickly realized that I can't do a damn thing right). I've lost my faith in God. I've lost my faith in humanity. I wonder if I ever "really" had it in the first place.

Either way, I find myself at a place in life where anxiety has crippled me. I am paralyzed to do anything other than what I'm doing already, so I remain stagnant. It has worn away at me, to the point that the only aspiration I have is for this life to end utterly and completely.

I apologize. I am done trying. Every time I've ever tried, it has resulted in failure. I don't have any "try" left. I'm tired of failing everyone. I can't take it anymore.

I'm done.

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Replies

append delete #1. Johann

what makes you think you "can't do a damn thing right" -- ? if you can't do a damn thing right, that would also include judging your own abilities, and also judging your own potential/future perspectives.

append delete #2. theraje

“if you can't do a damn thing right, that would also include judging your own abilities, and also judging your own potential/future perspectives.”

Do as in *do* -- as in actively attempt to achieve something specific. And by "something specific", I don't mean menial/trivial things, but anything of any real substance.

Also, I don't claim to "know" that my judgments are "correct". It's more a gut-reaction based on the experience of continual failure, in the context of the previous paragraph.

Either way, I'm slightly less wound-up than I was when I wrote the previous message. Still, I won't try to delude myself into thinking anything I've ever done has amounted to anything of tangible value.

append delete #3. Grimmeh

Perhaps your fallacy lies in focusing on the accomplishment or goal. Perhaps, instead, focus on the process.

append delete #4. Johann

not to be pseudo-pious here, but, we're all basically bound to end up as dust, no matter what we do. as well as anything we achieve or fail to achieve. yet,

“I know of no more encouraging fact than the ability of a man to elevate his life by conscious endeavor. It is something to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so make a few objects beautiful. It is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look. This morally we can do.”

-- Henry David Thoreau

also, maybe read sartre :)

append delete #5. theraje

“Perhaps your fallacy lies in focusing on the accomplishment or goal. Perhaps, instead, focus on the process.”

Perhaps my fallacy lies in focusing on accomplishment or goal. Perhaps it *also* lies in focusing on process.

“not to be pseudo-pious here, but, we're all basically bound to end up as dust, no matter what we do. as well as anything we achieve or fail to achieve.”

Nihilism...

“also, maybe read sartre”

... combined with existentialism (assuming you're talking about Jean-Paul Sartre)...

So the answer is existential nihilism? Sorry... but I think too much of that kind of thinking is what has gotten me to the point of wanting to just end my life.

Kierkegaard was the father of existentialism (according to modern understanding of philosophy). Sartre just took the... "purpose", I guess... out of existentialism. Whether or not you want to believe any specific God, an individual without a purpose just... merely exists.

I am not satisfied with mere existence. That's all.

append delete #6. Beefeater

theraje,
Your dissatisfaction with your current life tells me you have drift, that you have needs to be fulfilled.

Don't view this as a weakness. It's people like us who drive humanity forward. Where would we be today if all of our ancestors were satisfied with their (comparatively) miserable existence?

The only way for you to feel satisfied is by fulfilling your needs, physical and emotional. There will be challenges when you start from the bottom. I think the problem with our kind is that we need to stop just thinking, and actually doing. Take the Leap of Faith, if you will.

It's something we all struggle with, it's counter-intuitive to us because we are naturally contemplative. We don't like putting ourselves in uncomfortable situations. But the ones who take the leap are the ones who succeed in life, and the ones to be immortalized through History.

The only thing holding you back are your own fears. Remember that.

append delete #7. theraje

“There will be challenges when you start from the bottom. I think the problem with our kind is that we need to stop just thinking, and actually doing.”

You are just as right now as you were a few months back when you commented on my blog. (FYI, the reason I never replied was because I knew you were right by what you said, and really had no 'good' way to respond.)

A few days after my last post in this thread, I had actually put a plan in place to commit suicide... the only reason I'm still alive now is through a conspiracy of circumstances that led me to put things off, and I haven't really cared enough to put the plan back into motion.

But I have a new plan now. I'm in the processing of selling *everything* I own that is worth any considerable amount of money (ALL my musical instruments, ALL my 'toys', ALL my unusual equipment), save up enough money to cover my expenses for a couple months, and then get the hell out of this house.

I have a few options from friends, who have in the past offered me a place to stay for a while as I look for work. Once I have enough to cover the travel expense and have some left over for bare necessities, I'm leaving. I don't care if I lose my disability benefits. I don't care if I lose my medical coverage. I don't care if I have to flip burgers or clean public bathrooms for a while. I'm going to go where I have a shot at life, rather than stay here in this voluntary captivity.

append delete #8. Beefeater

I'm glad you changed your plans. It's great that you seek new opportunities, and you should absolutely move if you can't find anything for you where you live. Just remember that there's no escaping yourself, and there are no "fresh starts".

I'm sorry if my comments are demotivating, but I feel the best I can do is offer my unfiltered perspective on things. False hope is worse than no hope, because it leads to disappointment.

I feel one of my most important sources of relief was reading psychology (not the school curriculum variant), specifically reading about the MBTI personality types. It really opened my eyes about why I'm so different from everyone I know, and in turn understand why I was failing at things others had no difficulties with (like most school work).

A friend at school was the one who got me into it. At first I was skeptical, perhaps even afraid what my results would be. Indeed, the first few times I took the test (http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp) I got the wrong type (ironically, just the type my friend had guessed I would be), and thought it was bullshit. After some time, I tried it out again, tried to be more honest with myself, and the result I got just clicked. I hope you look it up, it can be a real confidence booster. Self knowledge is the shit.

append delete #9. Zifre

@Beefeater: That is a horrible MBTI test. I answered the questions honestly and it got my type wrong. It said I was ENTP, while I'm actually INTP according to several other tests (although I am right on the border between I and E).

Out of curiosity, which type are you? Although the types are interesting and fun to know about yourself, I have a hard time imagining how they could have a really big impact on your life.

append delete #10. Beefeater

“That is a horrible MBTI test. I answered the questions honestly and it got my type wrong. It said I was ENTP, while I'm actually INTP according to several other tests (although I am right on the border between I and E).”

I wouldn't know, the test was good enough for me. In the end these tests are just "introductory" and you'll need to do more research about the different personality types (and letters) to find out what matches you.

As for my fascination with the subject, all I can say is that MBTI helped me understand myself. The system isn't there for you to take a quiz and slap another label onto yourself, it exists to help you understand yourself and others better. The "Enneagram" system should help too but I'm not very familiar with that. If you don't see the point of these things, that's fine.

MBTI doesn't cover everything, but it was the first thing that really helped spark my interest. It's also comforting to know there are others like you, even if your MBTI is very rare (like INFP, my type). It helps you identify your strengths and weaknesses, and so on. Good stuff.

append delete #11. Impressed

I went to several enneagram seminars back in 1999 / 2000 and found them to be extremely interesting. I am reminded of my personality type every single day, and it helped me understand others better. It is imperative, like Beefeater said, to remember these are intros only into what makes a person tick. Everyone is shaped individually by their genetic makeup and social influences throughout their life.

append delete #12. Reid

@Zifre

Typical *NTP response! An E/I difference isn't horrible. It did nail the other things, which are more difficult to nail down. I've done this stuff enough to know that I am an E in the day, and an I in the evening. Our identities change with the circumstances.

Re: Personal Assessments

Having worked in HR for a few years, I can say that the MBTI is pretty standard. If it interests you, I'd recommend the full battery. That'll take 2-3 hours, be reviewed by an expert, and then another hour or two of consultation. I've had it done, and you get more out of it. Expect to spend $150 to $300 on that.

A cheaper option, and one I like a lot, is the Clifton Strengths Finder. Instead of describing your character, it simply identifies the skills that you are good at, with the implication that what you should work on. They have an online assessment, and it is only $15. I find it is better at giving direction than the MBTI or Strong Inventory. Get the book (and assessment ID) at Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/StrengthsFinder-2-0-Tom-Rath/dp/159562015X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1326502280&sr=8-1&tag=acleint-20

@theraje

How is the project going?

append delete #13. Zifre

“Typical *NTP response!”

Of course!

“I've done this stuff enough to know that I am an E in the day, and an I in the evening. Our identities change with the circumstances.”

Yeah, I'm kind of like that too (although in a different way).

I actually started reading into it more, and found that ENTP is widely regarded to be the most introverted extroverted type. So maybe I'm solidly in the ENTP category and just don't realize it because the mostly simple tests I've taken aren't designed to take such intricacies into account? Maybe that test isn't so bad after all. ;-)

append delete #14. theraje

“How is the project going?”

Delayed -- just spent this entire week in the hospital (two hours from home) with a paralyzed vocal cord! It's still not normal yet, but at least I am now able to swallow without gagging!

theraje added on

By the way, I am an ISTJ according to the test.

append delete #15. Beefeater

“I've done this stuff enough to know that I am an E in the day, and an I in the evening. Our identities change with the circumstances.”

Well, technically our personalities (or, natural dispositions) never really change. We can bend our thought patterns to match other personalities, though this is rather demanding and unintuitive. The best way to tell your true disposition is if social interaction energizes or drains you.

“By the way, I am an ISTJ according to the test.”

Coincidentally, this was the type I originally got. I don't know what you think about the results yourself, but if descriptions of ISTJ feel "off" when you read them, it could be a mistype. IMO a good sign it's the wrong type is if the description is depressing, rather than illuminating :-P

So how are the vocal chords going?

append delete #16. theraje

“Coincidentally, this was the type I originally got. I don't know what you think about the results yourself, but if descriptions of ISTJ feel "off" when you read them, it could be a mistype. IMO a good sign it's the wrong type is if the description is depressing, rather than illuminating :-P”

ISTJ is funny. When I read through the details, I kept thinking, "that's exactly right! But this tiny little detail is completely off..."

For the most part, ISTJ seems to describe me pretty well. I'm pretty sure though that since people can't be compartmentalized into so few tiny little boxes, some minor things will have to be different.

One of the big things that is off for me is the work ethic stuff. ISTJ's supposedly tend to be able to complete projects efficiently and such. Me, I tend to be the opposite. I can begin a project and envision how everything will work, but then things go wrong (mainly due to my lack of skill, coupled with a lack of patience when it comes to my own shortfalls), I get frustrated, and it keeps compounding until I have a screaming-cursing fit (like the thread "If you don't like cursing, go away." here on the forum) and just totally give up -- on everything. Most of the times when I get suicidal, it's because I gave up on a project due to my ineptitude.

“So how are the vocal chords going?”

Still not completely fixed, but improving. Right now the main thing that's presenting a problem is my shoulder, which seems to have also been affected by whatever paralyzed my vox cord. Can't do much without my right arm/shoulder aching and stuff right now... and I can't even raise my arm parallel to my shoulder. Even trying produces a LOT of pain.

append delete #17. theraje

An update on my plan (see quote):

“But I have a new plan now. I'm in the processing of selling *everything* I own that is worth any considerable amount of money (ALL my musical instruments, ALL my 'toys', ALL my unusual equipment), save up enough money to cover my expenses for a couple months, and then get the hell out of this house.”

My original deadline for achieving this goal is "by the end of 2012."

It's now just over a month since the year began, and I still haven't sold a *damn* thing. The closest thing I've come to selling is my Kindle Fire (something of which I was unsure about wanting to sell). I've had several people interested in it, who had agreed to my asking price and everything -- but all of them seem to have an interestingly difficult time actually producing the money.

And, since I've been released from the hospital, my cigarette-intake rate has tripled. To avoid any possible confusion: The number of cigarettes I smoke per day has T R I P L E D. It seems being in the hospital for five days, and being unable to smoke a single cigarette (for some retarded reason, they don't have smoking areas at most hospitals anymore) in that entire time has awakened within me an insatiable appetite for nicotine. The very day I was released from the hospital, I had smoked my usual daily "quota" by the time I went to bed that evening... but I didn't get out of the hospital until mid-day!!

I started a new carton of cigarettes (10 packs of 20 cigarettes) Tuesday evening. It is currently Friday evening, and I smoked my last cigarette from that carton a couple hours ago. Three days, and I smoked ten packs of cigarettes; whereas my normal rate is roughly one pack a day (a little more, but not much). I also smoke 100mm cigarettes (i.e. the longer cigarettes with 20% more length (and, therefor, tobacco) than "regular" cigarettes).

If I don't cut back, my smoking habit will tally up as follows:

One carton of my usual cigarettes = $30
Three days per carton = 10 cartons per 30 days
Monthly cigarette tab = $300

And that's a large chunk (about two-thirds) of my monthly income. Being that I normally have about $20 left out of my monthly income by the time the following month rolls around, I just don't see how this is going to work out unless something drastic happens.

I need a freaking miracle, here.

append delete #18. Beefeater

E-cigs? I hear they're cheaper (in the long run) and healthier. Lots of people who aren't satisfied with nicotine gum or whatever because "it's not the same thing" seem to love the e-cigarettes. You can smoke them anywhere you like too, since they're just vaporizers with liquid nicotine. I plan to buy an e-cig for my brother on his birthday, in fact.

Be sure to do some research beforehand if you plan to buy one though, lots of crap is being sold.

append delete #19. Reid

Habits are tough. When I was working for a professional organizer, she advised a four step process.

1. Break things down into small steps.
2. Now break it down into even smaller steps, because we overestimate our abilities.
3. Work on changing ONE habit. Spend at least 4 weeks on it. Research shows that habits become "set" after 60 - 80 repetitions.
4. If you screw up, forgive yourself, forget about it, and move forward.

A big issue is that some things are composed of more than one habit, e.g.: obesity is a confluence of many things, not just one habit.

The bad news is that human willpower is extremely limited. Our consciousness can process about 40 bits/s of information, while our unconscious mind can handle around 1 million bps. Guess where the habits are buried? So you have to take small steps, and accept that you are moving a mountain every day.

But the good news is that these changes snowball. It gets easier. The first one really is the hardest.

So, instead of "ALL my toys", just sell one thing. Then, when you've done that, move on to the next thing.

append delete #20. theraje

Didn't realize it had been so long since I updated this thread!

Since April 30, I have quit smoking, lost 36 lbs. (in 21 days!), made new friends, found my life's calling, and have generally become more at peace with who I am and what I need to do to get to where I need to be.

I don't remember exactly which thread it was, but I remember specifically that Beefeater accused me of being disingenuous about something I said, about having to seclude myself to figure out what I needed to find. For that, you have my sincerest thanks. It was a kick in the ass I needed to get back on the path to figuring out why I exist. I'd really appreciate it if you'd get in touch with me at my email address -- clintvfranklin@gmail.com -- I want to learn more about the person behind that pseudonym, if for no other reason than to someday repay the favor. :)

And thank you to everyone else here as well. You've all been very gracious, even in my darkest moments. Maybe somehow I can find some way to someday show my appreciation for your kindness. In the meantime, feel free to use that email address. It's not just for Beefeater, but for anyone who might want to talk about anything at all. Look forward to hearing from some of you! :)

theraje added on

Retook the MBTI not long after my ISTJ result, and I wound up with INFP (almost opposite of the original result):

INFP -- http://typelogic.com/infp.html

Of course, I just retook the test for the first time since my little 180, and suddenly I am an ENFJ. The description of an INFP is fairly close, but I think ENFJ pretty much nails it for me. I have always been that way, except I let fear control me, and I think made the E an I for most of my life. I've always been outgoing with familiar faces, but now I'm that way to strangers, too.

The latest results from the MBTI as of about 20 minutes ago:

ENFJ -- http://typelogic.com/enfj.html
Extraverted: 6%
Intuitive: 50%
Feeling: 62%
Judging: 11%

append delete #21. Johann

Much congrats, and all the best! :)

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